It took two years—and a hollow, breaking cry in the shower this morning—to finally bring this conversation to You, God.
I tried reducing my immunoglobulin dose for just two short weeks, only to feel my legs go numb again . All the hard work and sweat seemed to have lost its purpose.
For the last two years I have been saying prayers and leaving it at that.
My dear Lord , I always felt that you knew what is in my heart and what I want . But what is also true is that , on days more than one , I myself did not know what I wanted.
Looking back at my life from January 2025 to now , I perhaps understand that this was your plan all along.
My life was in a disarray , I had been let down one too many times and I had lost all compassion for myself .
I equated my worth with my ability to get things done. And sometimes , that worth was reduced to a miniscule drop in the ocean .
Then came a random winter morning that changed my life forever . I grew up believing that Im your favourite child . So a sudden jolt made me wonder , if I had done something to offend you .
And when I started thinking that way , there was a long list of things that came to my mind .
From blaming myself to blaming others , I kept looking for a reason why .
Today , I realise that this was a process .
The first phase of this journey allowed me to give myself grace . It made me appreciate my body more than ever before . I had forgotten to thank it , because I was busy finding faults in it .
The second phase was to forgive people who were not sorry . Not because I was on my way to become a saint , but because my heart had no place left for sorrow .
Dear Lord, through the chaos of recent times, I came to realize the beauty hidden within an ordinary day. Gratitude filled my heart each night as I woke to the peaceful breathing of my husband and daughter resting next to me. I grew deeply thankful for my family and colleagues who anchored me through it all, and I realized that the gift of a daily routine is a true blessing. This was my third phase.
With this groundwork of stability beneath me, I took the fourth step: building upon the resilience my illness created. I learned to fiercely safeguard my peace, love with every piece of my heart, nurture my closest friendships, and put family above everything. I also committed to honoring my body—strengthening it and treating it with care.
I had hoped that reducing my medication wouldn’t pull me down so deeply—that tapering off was simply the next step toward leaving it behind altogether.
My dear Lord,
Up until now, You have been healing me, rearranging my life, and stripping away everything that no longer served me.
As my appointment with the neurologist draws near, I carried a humble wish that the infusions might finally cease, even if I continue with the daily medication.
But beneath that wish lies a deeper stillness. My heart has begun to surrender—ready to accept whatever comes without asking “why.”
Whether the rigmarole of these injections end or remain, I know that You, my dear God, are sufficient for me. Today, fear holds no dominion over my life.
So here is my final step: stepping forward with intention.
Now that I am whole and standing in Your grace, I want to say to You—show me where to direct this altered life. I place my ambitions, my creativity, and my days explicitly in Your hands. I am moving from merely healing to truly, purposefully living.
I understand now that I survived that random winter morning—the one that shook my world and made me question everything—not because I had fallen out of Your favor, but because You were reshaping me into someone stronger, softer, and deeply wise. You were making room in my heart for what truly matters.
I trust whatever my heart whispers as the answer to this next phase. The God who guided me through the first four steps, who kept my family safe and returned me to myself, is already walking with me into the final step.
And so, with a clear mind and a whole heart, I step forward.
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